Musings and Relationships

When it comes to relationships, or lack thereof, I keep thinking that all of the boys I've met/liked/whatever were all stepping stones to something bigger. When all is said and done I think: This has to be the last step. Next time it will work. Because every time it seems like I get closer and closer to a real relationship.

But I'm always wrong.

I've been confused for the past few days (at least, I think). Yet again there's some indescribable force blocking all attempts to make a relationship work. He likes me. I thought I liked him. Now I don't really know. We both question if we like each other or we're just lonely. You'd think that if someone said that to you, you'd be offended. But I was relieved. Why? That's a weird emotion to feel when someone just said he didn't know if he was kissing you because he liked you or if he was just lonely. Maybe because I felt exactly the same way.

There is no spark.

But I've still been thinking about it a lot. I just need to figure out what I'm thinking about; the kiss or the boy.

I think it might be the former.

And that sucks.

I guess if it were easy there'd be no divorces or breakups or cheating or single people.

Dribble

I hate hindsight.

God, I really wish I could write in this thing.

But for the last fifteen minutes I've started and stopped writing on 3623 topics and the result looks like a mixture of creamed corn and diet coke.

Dang.

Even that analogy was horrible.

What happened to the person who used to be able to write?

Nonsense

It's been a year since I've posted to this blog. I just rediscovered it.

I wish I had something interesting to say.

But I don't at the moment.

And this is the blog where I refuse to post nonsense.

Save this entry.

What I Am To You

What I am to you is not real.
What I am to you, you do not need.
What I am to you is not what you mean to me.
-Damien Rice "Volcano"

I think I finally put my finger on it. The fact that this guy (seemingly) isn't interested isn't what's been bugging me as much as it's the fact that I usually get what I want. Whether I ask for it or I buy it or whatever...I get what I want. But in this kind of situation it's not just about what I want. There's another person involved. Another human being's feelings and wants are in the picture and the fact that I simply want this person to like me doesn't mean that I'm going to get what I want. I can't pay this person to like me. I can't make this person have feelings for me.

I don't have the control. And I think that's the biggest frustration of all.

Everything Looks Perfect From Far Away

The Postal Service is awesome. So is Iron and Wine's cover of The Postal Service's "Such Great Heights."

Now for a not-so-musical entry...

I really dislike the way things get when dealing with boys and girls and feelings and attractions. In my utopian society (an assignment that we, unfortunately, never got to do in The Best Creative Writing Class Ever my Senior year) boys and girls would be honest and open about their feelings toward each other. If someone wasn't attracted to you, and you asked, they would tell you the truth. And you would be able to handle it.

I would divulge more, but I've learned my lesson.

Many, MANY times.

But I never thought I'd like a guy who was in the same [pathetic] situation as me. However, I don't know if this makes me feel better about myself, or worse, for being too spineless to make a move.

Vulnerability Level: Raised.

Girly Entry: Over.

Extravagant, I Think Not

I wonder why we feel more important when we walk backstage, or up to the VIP balcony. Why does our physical location in the building have an effect on our self-image. I'm not criticizing. I feel the same heightened sense of "cool" when I walk past security. But why do we get that feeling? (And I'd venture as far as to say everyone feels more important when they can walk past security without being stopped.)

(I hate the Ying-Yang Twins.)

But what is it about the backstage phenomenon that is so attractive? I mean, you're sitting in the green room feeling really important...no "fans" (definition of the word "fan" to come at a later date) can see you. Why isn't it a "tree in the woods" scenario?

I don't know what brought on my pondering. Maybe because I've been "behind the velvet rope" more this week than I have in a long time. I dunno.

But really, what is it out being backstage that's so attractive?

It's raining in Baltimore...

It's raining outside...

...You know, that was really dumb. Of course it's raining outside.

Anyway, it's been raining off and on all day, and I've been listening to Rainy Day music (Counting Crows et. al.).

I enjoy tailoring the day's musical selections to the weather. And my mood. And the mechanical state of my car. Rain=Counting Crows. Sadness=Coldplay. Car that's leaking rainwater and vibrating more at stoplights than those uber massage chairs at Sharper Image=Incubus.

I think I could be a damn good musical director for a film.

Speaking of music in films. Not only have I wanted to see "Garden State" ever since it was released... And not only have I been told by numerous people that I need to see it... But I heard the soundtrack was brilliant. (I'm already loving Iron and Wine's cover of "Such Great Heights," which, consequently turned me on to The Postal Service. Don't you love how music works?)

I could go on for days about my life's soundtrack that's playing, non-stop, in my head, but I need to hit the proverbial sack. Stay tuned.

What's wrong with second best?

Through a two friends, I've discovered Pedro The Lion and I'm completely obsessed. I love the way you feel when you find out about really good music. Because, buying a CD is a gamble. Sometimes you waste $13 (Ben Jellen/Joss Stone) and sometimes you find a treasure that you can listen to for two weeks straight (Pedro The Lion/Gavin DeGraw/Jet). What I love about PTL is that I bought their two most recent records and they are so different from each other. I'd have to say that control is what's in my car right now. I relate a lot to that album, which is odd since it's all about marriage, adultry, sex, lies, revenge, etc. Taken literally, I can't relate at all. Take individual lines and phrases and they seem to sum up my life recently. "What's wrong with second best?"

We'll see where this blog goes. I have no ideas. No direction. No destination. We'll see what comes of my aimless ramblings. Maybe next time I'll tell you a little bit about me.